A Brand New Day - October 1, 2008
Today, I am a non-smoker.
I have been smoking since around the time I turned 18 years old.
I am not sure why I started smoking. Sometimes I think I did it to try and fit in with my brother and a lot of his friends that were smokers. Sometimes I think it was a way for me to be different - none of my friends were smokers. Sometimes I think it was a way for me to not deal with the real issue at that time - accepting that I was gay. Quite honestly, they could all have something to do with it - or none of them can. Point is - it’s mute. I started smoking when I was 18 and I have been struggling with quitting ever since.
This definitely isn’t my first attempt at quitting. Some of my previous attempts had been “successful”. There was the time that I quit for more than 8 months. That was back in 1999-2000. I was living in LA and worked hard to quit smoking - but Memorial Day 2000 really killed me. My neighbors and I spent the entire day by the pool - we started with marguerita’s at about 10:30am and we didn’t move from the pool area until after midnight that night (except to go to 7-11 to get snack foods). Needless to say, it was a messy day - and one cigarette led to another and before I knew it, I was back to a pack-a-day smoker.
I had another somewhat successful attempt about 2 years ago (just a little over actually) - It was actually September 25, 2005. I wrote in a journal to chronicle my thoughts and feelings. Somewhere between October 12th and 31st I started smoking again.
Last year, I tried quitting again. This time I used Chantix - a new drug that helps to block the urges for nicotine from reaching your brain. It worked like a charm. I found it easy to quit. I also used Nicorette gum to help me at the beginning, but within a week or two, i felt very comfortable enough to go nicotine free. It was great. It lasted about a month - and then the mind games started. It had been so easy to quit that I thought I could be the kind of smoker I would really like to be - someone who could come home from work and sit down and have a cigarette at the end of the day. Well, as nice as that sounds, it’s not for me. Within a few weeks, one cigarette a day turned into 2, which turned into 5, which turned back into a pack a day.
So, today is a new day - and a new attempt. The one lesson I have learned from my previous attempts at quitting is that I CANNOT have another cigarette - or I will be a smoker again. It’s been a little tougher today. I definitely thought about cigarettes a lot. I started taking Chantix again about a week ago. I had my last cigarette before I went to bed last night. I have Nicorette gum and Commit lozenges.
I am ready, willing and able to quit this disgusting habit for once and for all!
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